I just want to ride The Two Towers' dick for a bit lol.
Barnes & Noble Staffers Mock Orson Scott Card Crowd From Back Of Room
RALEIGH, NC—Employees of the Crabtree Mall Barnes & Noble used a Tuesday book-signing by science-fiction author Orson Scott Card as an opportunity to mock those in attendance. "'Excuse me, Mr. Card,'" cashier Randy Feig said to coworker Ian Rose in a derisive, pinched "nerd" voice. "'In Shadow Of The Hegemon, why was Ender Wiggin so reluctant to return to Earth after the Formic War?'" Feig then urged Rose to "check out the huge dude in the cloak" in the second row.
Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Area resident Russ Squirek insists on having his keys tossed to him rather than handed, sources reported Monday. "It's always, 'Yo, here we go, long bomb, send 'em over, going deep,'" friend Craig Green said. "I think he thinks it's cool." Green said Squirek also insists on hopping into convertibles whenever possible rather than using the door.
FBI: Six Dead Not Really 'Mass' Murder
WASHINGTON, DC—Addressing reporters about the ritual slaying of six cheerleaders at a Frankfort, KY, high school, FBI director Robert Mueller clarified that the body count does not seem high enough to qualify as "mass" murder. "I don't know if there's an official minimum, but I always imagined 'mass' was more like 15 or 20," Mueller said. "Charles Whitman, now there was a mass murderer." Mueller added that in spite of their modest scale, the killings "were still pretty bad."
How Was Local Man To Know Carol Channing's Niece Was Around?
SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Well, Jesus, is area resident Richard Pauling, 43, never supposed to crack jokes about anyone at a party because, by some freakish coincidence, their niece might actually wind up being in earshot and get pissed off? "All I did was make a humorous remark about actress Carol Channing's advanced age that involved speculation regarding the dryness of her nether regions, and suddenly I'm Hitler," Pauling said. "Shit."
Woman Who Visited Kenya Once Struts Confidently Into African Store
SKOKIE, IL—Amanda Wyner, 23, who in 1998 spent a week vacationing at a Kenya resort during college spring break, strode confidently Monday into Harambe, a Woodfield Mall store specializing in African art and collectibles. "This is a tribal mask," Wyner stated authoritatively to her sister while holding an Ashanti war mask. "The Africans wear these during actual ceremonies."
Fact Repeated As Urban Legend
BREWSTER, WA—An actual occurrence passed into the realm of modern folklore Tuesday, when actor Robert Reed's 1992 AIDS-related death was repeated as urban legend. "Dude, this guy I know told me that the guy who played the dad on The Brady Bunch died of AIDS," said Jeff Gund, 16. "Can you believe he believed that?" Gund went on to tell the equally implausible tale of a woman who cut off her husband's penis and threw it in a field, only to see the man surgically reattach it and become a porn star.
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Your troubles will be over before you know it, but most witnesses will agree that you probably didn't feel a thing.
They're not paying me at all...