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Old Vampire Bats @ 12-11-2006, 01:45 AM
#1

Make you run like Osama, hide-in in caves, like vampire bats,
I'm cros-sin your-path, like black cats, step-pin on wack emcees like floor- mats,

Your a jack-ass, like Steve-O, Don't try this at home, (1)
I'm rapp-in circles around you, like a bandage, cuz I'm break-in your bones,

Pull out my A.K, start fire-in , assinate you like J.F.K.
I'd quote your last words, but you ain't got noth-in' left- to-say,



1. Stevo-O was in Jackass, and he made a movie called "Don't Try this at Home"

Last edited by OPIV; 12-11-2006 at 04:00 AM..
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Old Re: Vampire Bats @ 12-11-2006, 11:09 PM
#2

A lot of it's wack ae.. try writing more bars and work hard on your multies cuz..
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Old Re: Vampire Bats @ 12-11-2006, 11:46 PM
#3

gaaay
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Old Re: Vampire Bats @ 12-11-2006, 11:54 PM
#4

who took out my posts i was commenting on his rap so they shouldn't be removed
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Old Re: Vampire Bats @ 12-12-2006, 10:28 PM
#5

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkness View Post
gaaay
Thats fucked up! Give me some feedback. I gave you feedback on your shit. Your posts don't help me elevate. Yah, you don't like it, but write a fuckin sentence or a couple words and tell me how to improve. Shit. Atleast, Ovadose gave me some feedback. Thanks, man.

Last edited by OPIV; 12-12-2006 at 10:30 PM..
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Old Re: Vampire Bats @ 12-13-2006, 01:36 AM
#6

i think their aight.

first bar prolly the best...

Make you run like Osama, hide-in in caves, like vampire bats,
I'm cros-sin your-path, like black cats, step-pin on wack emcees like floor- mats

kinda plan and neutral. no sting really imho.
you got decent concepts behind your lines which is good.
i dont know.

i think maybe if you tryed more inner rhymes or multiples it would help.
not jus for the sake of end rhymes but interest.
imo thats where a lot of the creativity that grabs pll happens.
tryin to come up with aternatives words and meaning till somethin grabs you.

Make you run like Osama, hide-in in caves, like vampire bats,
I'm cros-sin your-path, like black cats, step-pin on wack emcees like floor- mats


maybe try campfire ash, transpired as, satire or sad tired ass lol

Make you run like Osama, hide-in in caves, like vampire bats,
I'm cros-sin your-path, like black cats, burn you as hot as campfire ash


or sometimes having the two lines in a bar connect helps.

maybe something like... smell bad like sadams ass

using the osama part to set up the sadam in the next line.
although i do see the exsisting common thread of black cats and vampire bats shared already. which is why i thought this was your best bar anyway but i think endin with floor mats kinda threw that off.


i like the bounce you get out of "path" and "black cat"
you might look into addin some inner rhymes to the other line to match it...


Make you run away like Osama, hide-in in caves, like vampire bats,
I'm cros-sin your-path, like black cats, burn you as hot as campfire ash



addin "away" hopefully helps support the make/caves inner bounce.
rhyming "osama" might be a better place to have the inner located...

Make you run away like Osama, hide-in caves, like a damn bat
quit all your crybaby drama your spits raw like sadams ass


anyway this is how id tweak it back and forth.
not everything makes it better, you jus gotta keep tryin till it snaps in your mind.


keep it up.
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