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Old Need help - please read if you think you can give it @ 12-10-2003, 08:33 PM

I know there is lots of people on this board who can't read that well, and it offends them to see posts as long as mine so much that they can't just ignore them. That's why I left this board - except to post in the awards I heard were up again, because those are fun for me to vote on.

But I know there are also a few peeps on here who have been supportive of me through tough times, and even enjoy reading my posts. So I am asking for your help. I've been extremely stressed, all because I'm under so much pressure to do a good job on my book. All my creative energies are gone, and I'll devot so much time to writing only to delete it all.
I can't give up. I can't relax until the book is done, even though it's killing me to write it. Once I say I'm going to do something, I have to do it, no matter what.

I'm starting to understand myself as a person in a way I never did before. Ever since I was a child, I've lived my life on a stage in my mind. I've always been a natural performer. I've noticed now that two things have always motivated me more than anything - my rage, and reations from other people. Rage is motivating me not to give up on this. I'm pissed at myself, and pushing harder all the time. I'm an extreme perfectionist. I judge myself, and the entire world around me very harshly.

This is what made me give up Art. I used to win all kinds of art contests, and was very proud of my work. As I got older, I didn't display my work anymore. With nobody to see my art except myself and close friends, I lost my passion for it. It became meaningless to me, like sitting at home and having a debate with oneself rather than with others. Soon, my hands just stopped being able to do it one day. I lost my ability to draw anything for several years.

Everybody writes for different reasons. For some it is completely personal and self-satisfying. I personally write to express my feelings to others. That is where my creative juices flow from. Some could sing to themselves for hours, just for the fun of it. Others would think there was no point, unless somebody could hear them. I'm that latter type when it comes to my writing. I don't think I ever would have had an interest in writing, if it wasn't for the reactions I got for it as a child. People accusing me of stealing my poems instead of writing them, because they didn't think someone so young could have wrote those words. My teachers being concerned about the views I expressed because they weren't cheerful enough for a youngster.

We are all different. I am very sensitive and influenced by my surroundings. I have isolated myself to write this book, because I no longer wanted negative influences to do this. But I realize now I need any reactions I can get, as long as it is not people saying 'I'm not going to read all that'. Because the same thing that happened to me with my art is happening again - I lost my ability to write anything at all anymore when I try. Getting reactions from other people has always been want makes me appreciate art in any form, done by myself or others. I don't enjoy reading unless it makes me amused, sad, offended - something! And I don't enjoy writing unless it does this to others.

I realize that a lot of authors have editors, agents, and fellow writers read their novels as they are being written, because I always see them thanking people for this task in the acknowledgements. I guess that's what I need. I have friends at other boards who love to read, and I will ask them this favor, but I wanted to see if anyone here is interested. If not, that's fine. I'm just offering. Anyone who has time to read 10,000 to 15,000 words that I could send in an email attachment once a week and honestly critique it, I'd appreciate it. I know there is people on here who can't even read a paragraph, let alone comprehend it, but I know there are also people on here who love to read. I could pay professionals to review my stuff, but I'd rather die. I'd much rather have real, everyday people do it purely because they want to, not because it's a job task they have to perform. I will give credit to those who help me in the completed book though, unless you wish to remain anonymous. Here's me opening my mind to anything at all you want to say, any opinions you want to throw at me.

If you are interested, please email me at

I'd prefer not to communicate through this board, because I hate coming here anymore. I find it depressing. So, get at me or don't.
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