(to "Street Life" beat by Mobb Deep)

This is my life, a story of long struggle and strife/
Since '89 the script was flipped, had me cryin at night/
Mom was never at home, cause the fi-nances were tight/
I fought myself inside, I tried, but it just wasn't right/
How could she go from always home, bein my back-bone/
To me alone, things unknown, Pops seein a passed-zone/
Feelin' grown, he's a drone, needs me sewn to the fast-phone/
Never shown, to be prone, even though I was flak-blown/
All these emotions commotions had me run rapid and rampid/
Holes in my head, old man's sick and I didn't understand it/
He's pscizophrenic, tends to panic when most peeps wouldn't fret it/
I let it get to me, I tried so hard to forget it; sheddin'/
Tears in my eye, flowing fears as I lie/
Mental processes fried, as I'm jottin these rhymes/
Maybe I'll still get by, find the strength from inside/
But right now I'm behind, so the future's inclined/
At least I've tried/

this was good. I like these dark songs. If most of what you said was true, especially:

"He's pscizophrenic, tends to panic when most peeps wouldn't fret it/
I let it get to me, I tried so hard to forget it; sheddin'/"

Than damn, that sucks. Good to write it down though as it gets most of your feelings out. I think that this only needs a lil touch up in your multis, you used too many in certain bars and that can detract from your flow a bit, also try to mix them up because a 3-3-2-2 pattern wouldn't sound as good over this beat as it would if you cut back a bit on them and rearranged some of it. Overall good piece, you should really get more out of it than just a verse cuz it could make for a good song.

I really appreciate the feedback and advice Whirlwind. This is really one of the first things I've done so I need all the help I can get. I do plan on expanding this to a full song, this is just what I've got so far. By the way, this stuff is true...my Dad really is pschizophrenic, but I'm not gonna harp on about that here. Just thanks for the reply and I'll see ya around. C'mon everybody else, give me some feedback!!

dats sum hott shit im afraid ta put down shit dat dark bc it gets 2 personal but mayb ill put 1 down for ya*ll but naw man dat was tite

Thanks for the love ya'll. I need all the feedback I can get. Which is why I'm kinda frustrated cause I got 20 some views and 2 replies. I appreciate everyone who did reply though. I'm glad you liked it. I'm pretty new to this shit and I'm still learnin. I did get personal on this one, but I'm never gonna put up a front and say I'm somethin that I'm not. What ya read is what ya get. And Kandi don't think that I'm sayin that you're fakin anything, hell I don't even know anybody on here yet. Thanks for postin though for real. Peace

...but it's good! That was nice, a tight flow, and good vocab.
keep it goin and keep uppin. peace.

no prob didnt take it in ne wrong way;)