im just fucking around, writin' to the Scary Movie instrumental, and just putting a few things together, mostly "minor" punchlines now..

im not going to use all punchlines though, but a question, are there ever to many punchlines you think? (my opinion = yes) but tell me how you think the start is so far..
--

im just like toxic nerve gas-
as soon as i walk in the room your dead/
or leave you physically damaged or brain dead like a sped/
half of you wack MC's out there cant even compare to my rate/
you couldnt even hold a pen right even if your name was 'paper-mate!/
now your skating on thin-ice, the jokes on you/
this ice you couldnt skate on even if you was Mario Lemieux!/

lol just a start;]
all feed back = helpful.

Thats it? Some of it was okay. Write atleast 5 bars. I don't get the "paper mate" punch. What does that have to do with holddin a pen. Keep practicing. Elevate.

yeah thats all i had at the time, paper mate is a brand of a pen but ill fuck with that..
-

im just like toxic nerve gas-
as soon as i walk in the room your dead/
or leave you physically damaged or brain dead like a sped/
half of you wack MC's out there cant even compare to my rate/
you couldnt even produce ink if your name was 'paper-mate'/
now your skating on thin-ice, the jokes on you/
this ice you couldnt skate on even if you was Mario Lemieux!/
your a fake, an actor, an imposter a trick/
you couldnt even 'blow-up' if you was a dynamite wick/
your style is wack n' your flow is so retro/
mine 'pumps' people energy like 'Hyde Park Petrol'/
take away your house like i work for the city/
then laugh in your fucking face while showing no pity/


i changed the paper mate line for yuh.. and the hyde park petrol line, hyde park petrol is a gas station around here lol

nice. Gettin better. The dynamite punch was good. You could have said "wick" or "stick". The wick doesn't blow up. The stick does. But, I guess u could say it either way. lol. Keep practicing. Elevate.

nope not nice, no REAL multis, and porr word play...damn are we all white "shady" wannabess on this forum...

nope not nice, no REAL multis, and porr word play...damn are we all white "shady" wannabess on this forum...

Including yourself..

nice. Gettin better. The dynamite punch was good. You could have said "wick" or "stick". The wick doesn't blow up. The stick does. But, I guess u could say it either way. lol. Keep practicing. Elevate.

Are you joking?

It's like you've just listen'd to "infinite" and made a shit punch out of it..

honestly, no.. just, no... that was terrible.. I feel dumber just from reading it...
why would you want to 'produce ink'?

This kid's gased, blow up? I'll choke you with the wick
My rhymes 'break-up' the page, like I wrote them with a BIC

^^there.. now eat shit and die :)

I ain't sayin he the shit or nothin. I just sayin I think he got potential. Fuck the haterz. Everyone got there own opinion. Try to give more constructive criticism.

lol that honestly wasnt my work, i accept all critisism, only influences you more
i dont care if people critisize it, just tell me what im doing wrong and i'll try to im prove it, and white mouse, about forcing multies? to be quite honest i barely know what they are i havent forced shit - but anyways, something im taking a new approach to now - my first few lines/bars are:
--

to be quite honest-
i dont give a fuck what people think of me
if i did - i wouldnt be living this life illegally
i'd plan like strategicly and start apologizing immediately
for making you feel squemishly and taking this shit meaningly
---

yeah just something im working on, critisize, but if you do give pointers to.
thanks