ok people i really need some feedback on this cuz this is the first actual full song i wrote and i need to know if it is good or not so pplleeaassee!!!give me some feedback, and i dont care how harsh u r bout it(give me ur best or ur worst)thanx, it is kinda long but its a true life story bout my sis!!
--------------------------
(intro)
nobody ever really stops and takes a look at what a girls life can really be like......
when people mention livin on da mean streets of the southside thay instantly think a girl couldnt make it......
well there wrong....
heres my sisters story, it goes like this....

she lived a life in a broken home, wit shattered dreams/
her cloths were tattered, blood was splattered/
she may have smelled like a bong/
but her heart was still strong/
and yet she always knew she wouldnt live long/
goes to church on sundays to pray/
goes home and dont know what to say/
she raises a family of five/
before she goes to bed she cuts herself wit a knive/
at home she gets discriminated/
while her house is becomin disintegrated/
she prowls the streets at night/
never really lookin for a fight/
sees the bums smokin on the corners/
the prostitutes pokin the foreigners/
gets stopped by a cop,decides to stop/
goes into shock,pulls out her glock/
shoots off his cock/
(hook)
ya gotta live fo the moment/
dont just try to own it/
cuz once you live fo the moment/
ya wont be so impotent/

shes on the run now/
this is actually kinda fun, wow/
but her glocks run out/
funs up, cops jump out/
get the fuck out/
she ducks into a hideway/
really wishes she could fly away/
but theres no deniyin it/
theres no point in lyin it/
the place is delapodatin/
so she hurrys to start collaboratin/
waits till dark, like a shark/
doesnt see a nark, so she starts to walk in the dark/
but she cant go home now/
(hook)
the cops now consider her a lethal/
like some dude wit a gun to his head ontop a steeple/
her dreams r now through like some old shoe/
what can she do/
she wanted to be a rapper/
n have her house run by a clapper/
now its to late she cant even remember the date/
(hook)
shes dead now/
nowone knows how/
whyd she have to ruin it all/
whyd she have to take such a big fall/
much like her dreams her life has just been....
battered, shattered and splattered in an instant/
R.I.P. Katie we miss you, now knowone will ever diss you/
--------------------------
thats it, hope u like it.....give feedback!!!!
peace

very limited vocab, and basic rhymes, think about these rhymes yall

The rhymes are simple like Tyke said but it had heart... I think if you really kept at it you have potential. Need to work in more multi's, metaphors, similes, ect. ect....

very deep lyrics, maybe improve the lyrics, too simple but flow was good, a little work and it should be a good complete song.

Basically, you just need to practice and keep getting feedback, this was a better track than my first effort so keep going with it..

eX

Obviously influenced bu Lose Yourself. Umm, don't know what to say really other than just keep practising...

Originally posted by Shady Makaveli
Need to work in more multi's, metaphors, similes, ect. ect....

I disagree. Metaphors and similies would be out of place. Maybe an odd one here and there would be okay but metaphors/similies isn't something this song needed.


IMO.

i think out of a 1-10 scale i would give it an 8 i like it its what ya feelhttp://www.youthradio.org/violence/images/eminem.jpg

i don't see y i didn't reply to this earlier.....but it was deep....like the stuff i write....i feel it big time. u show alot of promise. keep it up babe

beautiful *tear* lol. nah it was pretty straight, work on multis and metas like shady said. good job, i know how you feel when you write with heart.. and with heart it dont matter about the content so much as long as a message or feeling was put across. later.