Broken,smashed into a million pieces
theres nothing left now
thats when everything ceases

The world stopped still
for that moment in time
I've lost all my will
my lifes just a mime

A beaten soul without a hope
It's ment to be exciting
what can I do to cope

feelings of dissilusion
my head way down low
I've come to a conclusion
yet no one will ever know

Why I ran so far from here
to hide from the tears
cause nothing is ever clear

Lost and hollow
theres not much left inside me
no one to follow
don't need to sit beside thee

all over all gone, the end has arrived
won't be to long
just lets hope I survive

!e.x.c.e.l.l.e.n.t!

You're getting better:) All this writing is paying off lol. I like this one, it's good.

It was very nice

cheers guys I may only but try

am i the only person that isnt impressed by these?

Quite frankly if u r not impressed then don't be negative just don't say anything otherwise put something constructive up fool

ok. to me it is very 1 dimensional. you are saying what you are saying, and there is no double egded meaning or implied references or something deeper inside that makes me think.... it is as if u are just expressing how u feel and structuring it into a poem were everyother line rhymes at the end. While i do appreciate that yes u are in fact expressing your feelings and that is the point of it i cannot take that from you. But what i am trying to say that in my opinion from a poetic viewpoint what u are saying is very flat and one dimensional.
So my suggestion is to perhaps try to use more literary elements such as metaphors, similies, "my rhymes are LIKE a stinking pile of shit", or "my rhymes flow as if were a liquidated steamy shit passing thru my anus..." this adds dimension to your flow and gives mental images, if these lines were in your poem they would look something like "my rhymes are shit", do you see the difference? Its just more interesting to the listener...

these are my opinions and noone has to like them im just sayin, i hope u take whats good from them ( my opinions) and leave what you think is bad (hopefully not all of it). It's not my intention to cut you down im just insensitive. hope u can forgive me

lol damn, that was my meanest post yet

^^ no I do see what u r saying and I get it .
I like simple I like reading simply written poems so I write them to.
I apreciate poems written in the format u describe but quite frankly I think half the time people tend to get bogged down in trying to over emphasise things and it just ends up boringly over written.IMO
So even though I do apreciate ur input I will try to improve on my descriptiveness but I Like Simple.

i would rather be bored reading some bogged down shit that at least makes an attempt to be something deeper....

yes description is good cuase it helps build better image or deeper mood

ive been trying to put my finger on something else to and i just read something that made me realize what: "Style isn't how you write. It's how you do not write like anyone else. ". to me your style is generic.

this is my rhyme i end it with a word
i say nother sentance in between
in the end its as tho i shit a turd
khorne is an asshole and hes meen

thats your rhymes everytime, make them whatever u want it to be, your peice of paper or your .txt is yours to do whatever u want with the words

Why are you such an asshole

for the sole reason that u wont battle me

^ Get over it

I would slaughter you anyway,lol

have you ever smelled pussy before?

Yeah, im guessin you havent

does dady let you use his computer

If you're so damn old, Why the hell you on here talkin to a bunch of kids? Are you a child molester or just a loser


Act your age

neither, i just came here seeking a platform to flex my skills

i just happened to find myself surounded by a bunch of kids

SO are you a loser or a child molester?

what is your obsession with looser and child molestors, no i wont be your friend dude

Listen u What I right is what I want so
fuk offand stop being such a fuken idiot, u think ur better than me well I'm sorry ur not cause all u seem to do is act like a snobby I'm too good type.
Get back in the real world and see that everyone is equal, in other words pull ur head outa ur ass.
Generic may be what u think but who fukin cares I'm not writting a book.