hold on, wait......think about what i'm gonna say/
i just about gave up on life......i don't even pray/
man i'm afraid to say what i truely feel/
i'm still decideing if it was a dream or for real/
people say that i can't rhyme and that i suck/
so what.....do u really think i give a fuck/
i'm not trying to start anything....i'm just stressing my point/
man it's fucked up worse that u smoking a fat ass joint/
i just want to see something worth careing about/
to live life to the fullest...without haveing any doubt/
i've said somethings that shouldn't have been said/
often wonder if i would be better off being dead/
trying to make some sense out of this life/
busy making things work out with my future wife/
i'm keeping it on real terms....keeping it real/
chasing my dreams and seeing what i can fufill/
i've had enough of talking about my gun/
it was fun at first but now i'm done/
i think i've matured, learned how to look at the past/
finally understood what should be done, no longer last/
fuck doing drugs......i'm done with weed/
i got what should have been mine, got what i need

peace

I liked that one. The simple style let the content and flow come correct. Try and slide into your own style and let it grow.

Alright - i think this is ya best flow on this piece.
This is my type of flow, something i would rap. BUT .......

I would change these...

man it's fucked up worse that u smoking a fat ass joint//
man it's fucked up worse that u smoking a joint//^^

to live life to the fullest...without haveing any doubt//
to live life to the fullest...without haveing a doubt//^^

often wonder if i would be better off being dead//
often wonder if i would be better off being dead, just dying, i've bled//^^
Thats not neccessarily it, but you should have that bit longer bit if you stagger it like Nas can.

trying to make some sense out of this life//
busy making things work out with my future wife//^^
I would've cut that man

i'm keeping it on real terms....keeping it real/
chasing my dreams and seeing what i can fufill//
i'm keeping it on real terms....keeping it real/
chasing my dreams and seeing this shit i can fufill//^^
again, ain't have ta be that, but a couple more syllables

i've had enough of talking about my gun/
it was fun at first but now i'm done//^^
too short a second line, flow was off

But apart from that, and this is just my opinion, that was prolly ya sickest shit so far.
Flow was better, lyrics were aiight. But you gotta work some punches in.

But, as i've said before, just keep posting and practising.

PZ>

Yeah i liked this a lot better than your usual nonsense..it was deep and real..
Like Oblivion says, you should change some of the lines to make it work, but if it flow's for you..then thats fine.

"i'm keeping it on real terms....keeping it real/
chasing my dreams and seeing what i can fufill/" <--liked

You need to start giving more feedback to other's if you want more for yourself...

pz

i like this verse a lot, very deep and personal, thats what makes a kick ass verse or song, real emotions, keep writing shit like that cuz its off the hook,

rhymes and flow was good.